Falling Apart
by Neyah444
Summary: Sam was always afraid that the moment of truth would come… Slash, rated M for a reason. You've been warned! Please review!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Falling Apart

Author: Neyah444

Word count: 2092

Rating: M (M/M warning! because of later chapters)

Pairing: Sam/Gene (slash)

Spoilers: 2.08 (It takes place in 1974, several months after the last episode)

Summary: Sam was always afraid that the moment of truth would come…

Disclaimer: Life On Mars belongs to BBC

**FALLING APART**

They were sitting at the Railway Arms, both squeezing a half empty mug of beer in their hands. They were rather pissed, and tried to think of something to say. Gene had a very bad day, and though Sam had no clue what had happened, he invited Gene for a drink. He was trying to cheer him up, but it became clear very soon, that this was an extremely bad day, and he was sitting on a bomb that was about to explode, so Sam decided he wouldn't push his luck. Silence with Gene was better than the silence alone in his flat. Everyone else had left the pub long ago, and Nelson watched them impatiently, clearing his throat. Gene caught the signal and turned to Sam.

"Get your coat. I'll take you home." And with this he sent the rest of his beer down in one gulp.

They stepped out of the pub, breathing in the cool, fresh air.

"You shouldn't drive, Guv."

"Shut it and get in!"

"Honestly, you feel the right to drive pissed, 'cause you think you're the law, and no one will arrest you for it." Sam said, chuckling silently.

It was meant to be a joke, and Sam wasn't prepared for the violent reaction it started. He felt two strong hands grabbing him and throwing him into the darkness of the nearest alley. The cold brick wall hit his head. He struggled to get up cursing, and checked his head for blood. Then he saw his Guv almost running towards him, like a wild animal.

Gene grabbed Sam's collar, lifting him, forcing him to stand on tiptoe, his feet desperately trying to hold on to the ground.

"Because you're so much better, aren't you, DI Tyler?" Gene hissed his voice bitter and sarcastic. "You're always bloody right, and even the sun is shining from your arse! You and your 'Hyde' ways are just slightly getting on my nerves." He breathed in slowly, the anger rising in him, he pushed Sam deeper into the brick wall. "I'm not a child, Tyler! I was a copper when you were still battling with acne, and your biggest dream was the blond girl-next-door's tits. I've had my share of policing, I don't need you barking about procedure from your moral high horse."

Gene finally ran out of air, but he was still holding Sam, never for one moment breaking the eye-contact. For the first time in his life, Sam remained silent, just looking into his superior's face. He expected him to throw him to the opposite wall, to kick the shit out of him, but this was far worse than anything else. Sam was never afraid of a good fist fight, but had always been terrified of words. Somewhere deep within, he had always known that this moment would come, when Gene would be pissed enough.

He was scared that the moment of truth had finally come, and he couldn't do anything to avoid it. They had never spoken of that day, the day when Sam had been lost in that dark tunnel with Frank Morgan, and though he'd chosen to return, the fact was still a fact: he'd let them down. Forgiveness had come so easily he had thought he could have changed the facts. In his dreams he liked to think that, if this was all a trick of his comatose mind, he could manipulate its reality… make things undone. Now he was scared that this pleasuring illusion would break.

Gene's eyes were clouded with anger. "You may be brighter than the rest of the team together Mr. Sam Almighty Tyler, but at least when I look into their eyes I see deep loyalty. How can I see that in a traitor's eyes?" The last sentence was nearly a whisper, but to Sam it was so loud, he could almost feel his head ripped in two. It sounded so rude and unfair, and he felt angry. Not with Gene, but with himself, because even if it was rude, he knew exactly that every word was true. The illusion was broken. He was a traitor in his Guv's eyes and no matter what he would do in the future, this wouldn't change. Ever.

Gene chewed on his own words for seconds, and realised that this had come out more offensive than he had wanted it, and saw the hurt in Sam's eyes. But he was not going to apologize! He exposed his deepest feelings and he wasn't going to apologize for it. He relaxed on Sam's hold, allowed him to stand fully on the ground, and bowed his head. That was his way of apology.

"So that's what you think of me!" Sam whispered mainly to himself. He didn't want to push it, but he had to ask. He had to know. "How can you still work with me?" His eyes filled with the tears he was unable to fight back.

"I don't know! I trusted you with my life, and even after you betrayed us, I never stopped trusting you." Gene took a deep breath and looked away. "Life was easy before you came around. My world is very small, just me and my team." He faced Sam, and looked deeply into his teary eyes. "I need to trust in my team, without that I would drown, I can't breath without it. You betrayed that trust, and still when I look into those bright, honest eyes of yours, I cannot help believing in you, though a little voice in the back of my mind continually tells me I shouldn't." For a long moment he tried to read Sam's face, but he found nothing but sorrow, not one movement to defend himself. Gene turned to walk back to the car when Sam grabbed his wrist with both hands.

"Gene... I..." Gene stared at the hands clinging desperately to him, then lifted his gaze to Sam's face.

Suddenly all the alcohol that had been running through their veins seemed to disappear. They stood there, as sober as possible, facing each other, both waiting for something.

Time stood still, as if it was watching them unwillingly to pass.

Sam wanted to say that he was sorry, that it had been just a terrible mistake which was never going to happen again. He wanted to promise everything in the world, he would have done anything just to gain that trust, to deserve to be loved. But he was speechless, the words didn't come to his mouth, they were trapped somewhere in his mind. The only world he felt alive in was about to fall to pieces, and he couldn't do anything but watch it happen. His world... Gene was his world! The thought made him shiver. He had built his imaginary world around the man standing in front of him, and the realisation was scary enough.

He tried to persuade himself that he had come back for Annie, but that wasn't true. Annie was a nice girl, a very good friend and he cared for her deeply, but in those lonely moments when he was lying in his bed in the still of the night he had to admit to himself that something was missing. His heart just didn't belong to her, no matter how hard he tried to feel otherwise. He could lie to her, but he couldn't lie to himself. His deepest feelings and passion was spared for a man, and he couldn't fight against it. He felt such deep love and loyalty he knew he could never feel for a woman, and it scared him.

The minutes felt like hours, and they just stood there, gazing upon each other, trying to find out what to do then. Sam's vision blurred, he couldn't see Gene's eyes through his tears anymore. He knew that if there was a moment of truth then that was it. If there was a moment when he could take his chances and express his most hidden feelings for Gene then that was that exact moment. If he couldn't bring himself to kiss him, he wouldn't ever get a second chance, yet he just stood there motionless. Gene thought he's a traitor, and if he had kissed him then he would have not only risked his physical health but he would have surely called him a poof.

There's no love without trust.

In that world he had no one but Gene, nothing but his job, and the thought of facing him day after day pretending that he felt only loyalty and friendship was unbearable. If Gene couldn't offer more than his friendship, life there would be only endless pain. He wouldn't be able to bear seeing every day what he couldn't ever have.

Gene was waiting though he knew that Sam wouldn't say anything. Sam was still holding his wrist, and he didn't pull away albeit he started to feel uncomfortable. He wanted to turn away before his tears started flowing uncontrollably. He silently prayed for this to end this way or that. His heart was racing almost on the edge of a heart attack. Then he saw Sam's tears running down on his cheeks, making his face and neck wet. His lips were shining and Gene suddenly felt the taste of those sweet and salty lips in his mouth. The illusion was more than tempting but he wouldn't take that step. The unspoken words crowded them like ghosts.

Sam's eyes begged for a little trace of encouragement in Gene's glance but he couldn't see any, so he just tried savouring the moment, and wished it would never end. He slowly released Gene's wrist, his hands kissing and caressing every inch of skin he could touch in the process.

Gene watched their hands part and lifted his gaze once more to Sam's eyes, then turned, and walked away with a heavy weight on his heart, yet somehow relieved.

Sam stood there unable to move. Those unspoken words that whirled inside his head slowly left his mind and shattered around him. The moment and his heart were broken.

Gene headed to his car. He rested his whole weight on the bonnet of the Cortina, deeply buried in his thoughts, thinking about the things he could never have. He couldn't bring himself to kiss those wet, shiny lips he wanted so much, he couldn't bring himself to take that step, to cross that line. Perhaps it was better that way. That would have ruined their lives and everything around them. Yes, those were the lips he could never have, he should never have, no matter how strong the temptation was.

He was finally glad that Sam hadn't taken that step either, that would have been the point of no return. He had the distant feeling that Sam might have the same feelings for him, but that would have been impossible, wouldn't it? He fancied Annie, everyone knew that. He would never know for sure though, and that would be the best for everyone. Some things are just better left unsaid. In real life there are no 'happily ever afters'.

He was glad that Sam didn't follow him immediately to the car, so he couldn't see the tears running down on his Guv's cheeks. Gene wouldn't have wanted him to see him cry. No one should have seen him so vulnerable.

Minutes had passed as he was waiting at the car, and he started to wander, where Sam was. He walked back to the alley to find that Sam was gone. He went back to the pub, but it was already closed, no trace of Sam. Perhaps he walked home alone, Gene thought, and he was relieved he didn't have to face him again that night. They were pissed, and he hoped, that that little scene would be forgotten by tomorrow morning.

* * *

><p>The next day when Gene walked into CID he saw dark and confused faces. He went into his office and saw a paper on his desk. He stood there horrified as the words on it started to become clear to him. It was DI Sam Tyler's resignation. He collapsed into his chair and covered his mouth with his hand. On the table there was a little piece of paper, only two words written on it with Sam's handwriting.<p>

_'Release me.'_

Gene couldn't control himself anymore, and he didn't care who will hear him crying. The pain blocked out everything else, even his pride. He cried out loud as if he would want the world to fall apart.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Falling Apart – Part Two

Author: Neyah444

Word count: 2,528

Rating: M (M/M warning because of later chapters!)

Pairing: Sam/Gene

Spoilers: 2.08 (It takes place in 1974, several months after the last episode)

Summary: Gene tries to persuade Sam to stay, but he can't.

Disclaimer: Life On Mars belongs to BBC

**FALLING APART: Part Two**

Sam arrived home in the middle of the night, tired, just wanting to sleep and forget. He switched the TV on but there was nothing just that test card girl with her clown on it. So Sam decided to take a shower and go to bed as soon as possible, because in the morning he would have some important things to do.

When he stepped out of the shower and dried his hair he saw the test card but the girl was missing. Shit! He'd thought he'd gotten rid of her when he had come back. Entering the room he saw the girl sitting on the bed desperately hugging his clown, with fear in her eyes. She was positively scared of something. She looked at Sam but she wasn't focusing on him, she looked at a distant place behind Sam's back.

"Don't, Sam! Don't go near the edge! You'll fall! Step back, please, Sam, stay with us!"

Sam thought of Annie having said that to him: 'Stay!' But he couldn't stay!

"What edge? It's over! I jumped, I have nowhere to go to now! I have to stay, I've no choice! It's all over!" He cried.

Sam woke with a start, covered in sweat. What could that mean? The edge? That had been in the past, he had made that choice months earlier, and couldn't change it. He looked at his watch. It was already 5 in the morning. He had to go to the office to talk to the Superintendent, and to say farewell to Annie, avoiding Gene if possible. It would hurt of course, but it had to be done.

* * *

><p>Gene parked the Cortina on the other side of the street and lit a cigarette. He waited in the car for minutes, gathering enough courage to face Sam. The little coward avoided him, couldn't even said goodbye properly, just with that fucking paper he left on his desk. So impersonal. He deserved more from that dirty bastard. That was like a second betrayal, but Gene couldn't blame Sam for it, he couldn't be mad at him, but somehow he had to make Sam stay, whatever the cost.<p>

Even if it hurt, he had to admit he loved that short-haired nancy boy, more than anyone, even more than his wife or Ray, his best and oldest friend. He had finally found a man, equal to him, who had the balls to fight back both with words and fists. An amazing man full of mystery, a buried treasure waiting to be discovered. How long would it take him to admit how much he loved Sam, and not just as a friend. He had thought he'd had months to get used to the thought of loving a man, but he didn't have time for that. He had to act before it was too late.

He had been meditating about the possible consequences and he had come to the conclusion that he had nothing to lose with kissing Sam, and telling him how much he meant to him. If Sam didn't feel the same way, he would go away, and wouldn't have the chance to tell anyone at CID that his DCI fancied him and no one would laugh at him. But if Sam kissed him back maybe he could persuade him to stay. It would be worth the risk if words didn't help, even if it were just one kiss, it would be worth it. Though he couldn't think about letting Sam go, but that would do as a worst case plan.

CID needed him, and Gene needed his DI, his friend, his... whatever. He tossed the cigarette out of the window, climbed out of the car and headed to Sam's flat.

Sam was sitting on the side of his bed, burying his face in his hands. The door of his flat was wide open. It wasn't an invitation for anyone to go inside; it was an exit for Sam. A suitcase was next to him, packed. Nothing could stop him making his exit, yet he couldn't move, he wasn't prepared yet. Even leaving his small, dark, depressing flat seemed so hurtful, but he knew that he also had to leave his job, the ones he loved, everything and everyone behind. He already missed them.

He wondered where he could go. When he had jumped from that building in 2006 he had thought he would live the rest of his life there, with all the things he had come back for. With Gene as his DCI. He didn't mind being only a DI as long as Gene was his Guv. That Neanderthal always used his fists first, but Sam had to admit that he was a bloody good copper, and despite being a little too physical sometimes, in his own way he had a brilliant mind.

Sam was sad that he couldn't really come to know Gene's real personality under the tough shell, the hopes and fears, the bad memories he had deeply repressed. There were only a few precious moments when he opened himself to Sam, and he was glad for those moments and only wished they had more time to share. Gene offered his friendship to him, but even then he remained a closed book that no one was supposed to read. His only true friend was the whiskey bottle; it was silent, never questioned him, never betrayed him, never judged him, never laughed at him. The only thing he could fully put that trust in, which allowed him to breathe, to survive. Gene wasn't hard to understand, only really difficult to handle.

But that had been all in the past, it wasn't his problem anymore. He just didn't know where to start his new life, where to go. Another city, another job, another shitty flat. Perhaps something new to live for, though he could hardly believe he would ever find someone like Gene or Annie, or a city so full of life and smells and energy.

If he could have manipulated this little world inside his mind, Gene would have been his with heart and soul, and he would be Gene's with everything he could give. Never in his life had he wanted so much to hug someone, to know someone, to be there for someone, and to share his thoughts with someone. He had been always surrounded by people who had loved him, but deep inside he had always felt lonely...until he had met Gene.

When he had first realised he had wanted to spend more time with him than Annie, it had been the scariest discovery of all. He had never been attracted to men though he had had some handsome and intelligent friends in his old life, but he had never even thought of them that way. At first he had only thought he had found his best friend, but that seemed odd, because they always fought, they were so different.

He asked himself if there was any physical attraction, and the answer surprised him. Kissing the Guv was definitely a tempting thought, to hug him and maybe even more. He just couldn't picture him making love to a man, but he knew that his face was the first thing he wanted to see in the mornings. He was that special someone Sam wanted to share his whole life with. He had given up his real life for that. He had never thought he would regret it, it hurt so much. Maybe feeling nothing would have been better than that. That pain would soon suck the last drop of passion from him, leaving him as empty as a dry runway.

Again he was thinking about Gene when he should have been thinking about where to go next. He could even smell that intoxicating mixture of smell that was Gene when he realised it wasn't a trick of his mind. He turned his head and saw his former superior standing in the door, angry and embarrassed though he tried to look calm. He stared at the suitcase, then back to Sam.

"What's the matter, Sam? What does that paper on my desk supposed to mean?" Gene asked as calmly and playfully as he could. "You got a promotion with a better salary? Oh, come on, Sammy! You could have told me if you wanted more money."

"No, Gene, it's not about the money...it's..." Sam stood up and tried to explain, but couldn't find the words. He couldn't tell the truth.

"Someone hurt you? Is it Ray? Or Annie?" Sam didn't answer. "There's nothing we can't sort out. Just forget that resignation and come back to work, Sam. Don't be stupid, we need you, I need my picky, pain in the arse DI." Gene tried to joke.

"No, Guv. I have to go. I want to start a new life somewhere. I think I burned out, I want a new city, new people, new job." He lied, and Gene knew that.

"You're kidding me! You're anything but a burned-out copper! Don't make me say it again Sammy-boy, come back to the office. We'll find you a better flat than this, so you can be more comfortable. You deserve it." Gene went to the bed and stopped just a few inches before Sam, waiting for that answer, praying it would be something like 'ok, Guv, let's go'. But Sam said nothing, just shook his head.

Gene thought that this would be his last chance. He leant forward, his lips almost brushing Sam's. Their mouths were so close, they breathed the other's hot breath. It was a very intimate and almost erotic moment. Sam closed his eyes.

"Gene, don't make it harder than as it already is." Sam remembered Annie, when he had asked her to stay for just one night, she had said no. As much as he had wanted to have her even for one night, he couldn't bare the thought of having Gene for only one night. For a lifetime or nothing at all.

"Damn, I want to make it as hard as possible for you." He closed the gap slowly between their mouths, brushing the other man's lips, covering his mouth with his own. For a moment Sam just stood there, unable to move, then he withdrew.

"You should go now, Guv. You still have a team to care for."

"Yes, I know, I'm doing it right now, starting with you." Gene whispered, trying to kiss Sam again, but he turned away from him.

"I'm not playing in that team anymore. I'm really sorry. Please go, I still have to pack some things." He started to pack, so that Gene couldn't see his tears flowing.

Gene didn't know what to say or do, he tried everything he could.

"I need you!" That's all he said.

Sam paused for a moment, but didn't look at Gene.

"I'm sorry!" He said and prayed for Gene to just go away. Then he turned his head, and Gene was gone. Sam could feel his heart almost physically break.

* * *

><p>He was on the bus already, on the way to Birmingham, though he wasn't sure that's where he wanted to go, but this was the first bus at the station after he arrived, so he took that as a sign. As the bus left Manchester a strange silence filled the air. Everyone sank into silence around him, as if everyone had been mourning for Sam's lost life. It was funereal and it felt so appropriate. He was dead. At least to them. For a second he was pondering if he was really dead, but the pain he felt convinced him of the opposite. He sank into a deep, dreamless sleep, just to free himself from that pain for a short time.<p>

When he woke up he was alone on the bus, everyone was gone. He was already at the bus station of Birmingham. He grabbed his only suitcase and got off.

Something was definitely strange about the whole place. He couldn't imagine what Birmingham would be like though he had guessed it would be similar to Manchester, but that city was nothing like Manchester. It was almost empty, despite that it was daylight. Less colors, less smells, it seemed almost sterile. He started to walk down the street and tried to get used to the thought that this would be his new home.

Minutes later a woman came by, she smiled at Sam, but somehow it was wrong. Something was wrong about the whole place. As a good detective he tried to find out what was strange about the woman. Then he realised he couldn't remember the buttons on her coat. Maybe there had been no buttons on it? But how could that be?

If the Manchester of 1973 had been Mars, than the Birmingham of 1974 was Uranus. He saw doors without handles, cars without rear view mirrors.

He turned right on the next corner and bumped into a little girl. He looked down, and it was her. But that time she only smiled sadly.

"God is in the detail, Sam, isn't it?" Then she ran away, Sam turned to ask her what she meant but she had disappeared.

Then Sam saw it. There was a huge building in front of him, high, with 4 floors, but... the first floor was missing! There was no first floor! The upper stairs of the building was only floating in thin air. The other building next to it had absolutely no windows.

Sam felt nauseated. He knew it immediately. It was his mind, he didn't put so much detail in it anymore. This was the edge! The edge of his own imaginary world, the edge of his own mind. He wondered what he'd find if he went further. Maybe there would be nothing, a no man's land. He realised that he only put that detail in one life, one place. The one he had just left! He had no chance to live elsewhere! A strong wind started to blow.

"This is not fair!" He shouted. "I couldn't live in the future, I can't live in the past! What should I do now? What?" He shouted towards the sky, as if speaking to God himself. He should never have jumped from that building. He wished he had been back in the future, in his normal life. The wind seemed to wash away even more details from his world and his vision started to blur. He felt angry and powerless.

"Just let me die then! I just want everything to end!" He cried silently. "I've made mistakes, and I'm sorry. What more do you want from me?" The wind carried away his voice and he shouted once again trying to shout through it.

"What should I do now?"

* * *

><p>Sam opened his eyes, he was in bed.<p>

"What a bloody nightmare!" He murmured to himself. The other side of the huge bed was empty. His wife had surely gone to work early. He went to the kitchen to make a light breakfast before going to work, and checked the newspaper for the date. It was the 16th of April 2016.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Falling Apart – Part Three

Author: Neyah444

Word count: 2,137

Rating: M (M/M warning for the last chapter, and some M/F for this chapter. You've been warned!)

Pairing: not really, this part is all about Sam, Sam/OC

Spoilers: 2.08 (It takes place in 1974, several months after the last episode)

Summary: Sam's journey continues…

Disclaimer: Life On Mars belongs to BBC

**FALLING APART: Part Three**

Another shitty day in the office. Detective Chief Superintendent Samuel Tyler wasn't quite happy with his job. He thought it was boring. Sitting in the office was far worse than wandering the streets in uniform. He was in a meeting during the afternoon but he couldn't quite concentrate on his colleague's words, his mind was wandering about that strange dream he had again.

It was about a world he had known, and could never forget, but it seemed so far away. He hardly thought of those months he had spent in a coma after a car accident when he had been 37. He was glad he had come back, he had missed his mom, his life, the wonders of the modern world, but from time to time he had to admit that the time he had spent in a coma was very exciting.

He found he had been thinking about it more and more since he had realized he had not been completely happy with his life. His marriage hadn't brought the happiness anymore it was supposed to. His wife, Jennifer was a wonderful and attractive woman, an architect, but she spent less and less time at home. Sam started to believe she had someone else, perhaps a colleague. He couldn't remember the last time he had been in bed with her, though no need to be jealous, he himself wasn't the statue of fidelity either. But then what was the point of their marriage?

They had no children, and lately no sexual life, just their career. After work Sam wandered the streets, gone to clubs and peep shows. That day wasn't an exception. He would pick up a nice and willing girl, bring her to a motel, or he would end up with a whore. It was all the same to him.

Sam was looking out of the window of the motel. The rain fell silently, each little raindrop knocking gently on the thick glass. He was thinking about the time that had never been and a life that had never been his. About people he had loved and cared for, people who had never existed. His mind was so far away from his body, he wasn't even feeling anything.

It wasn't uncommon. He hardly had feelings after the coma. His life had changed drastically, and had never become the same again. He couldn't even put his heart in his job, his heart belonged to somewhere else. He lived his life without fire and passion, sometimes he couldn't even think about it as a life.

He had stopped talking about the things he had seen in the months of the coma, because the people around him hadn't understood and had suggested that he should see a psychiatrist. And the less he had talked about it, the less he had missed it. Or at least he had thought so.

He was just lying on his back naked on the bed, looking out the window and watching the raindrops silently running down chasing each other.

The girl was riding his cock wildly, screaming and panting. She sank her red, polished nails into Sam's chest, scratching his skin, but he couldn't feel the pain or the pleasure. He felt nothing, and he didn't want to pretend he did.

The girl let out a big scream, and collapsed against Sam. She faked it, it was so obvious, but he couldn't care less. She got out of bed and searched for her bra. Sam turned to her, and saw the disappointment in her eyes. He promised her a good shag, and she felt she got nothing, but Sam couldn't feel any guilt, though he tried to seem understanding.

"I'm sorry, dear, I had a shitty day. Next time it will be better, I promise." The girl smiled, but that smile wasn't convincing; he would never see her again, and he wasn't a bit sorry about that. She shut the door as she left, leaving Sam with his thoughts and with the raindrops he couldn't help but look at. He thought about going home, but it seemed pointless so he wrapped himself in the blanket, closed his eyes, and wished for a dream of his happy days.

Then he dreamt about a high building, and flying without wings towards happiness.

* * *

><p>He found himself in a very calm and very white place. No walls, no doors, no windows, just white everywhere. The whole place felt very surreal though it was very peaceful. He thought that if there was a heaven it had to be something like that. He couldn't decide if it was another dream, or he had died, and finally found his peace.<p>

He saw a woman coming to him from nowhere, and watched her as she swayed through the big white nothingness. It was his mom, Ruth Tyler, just stepping out of his childhood dreams, she looked so young. She stepped very close to him, planting a kiss on her little boy's cheeks.

"Hello Sammy!" She greeted him as if he had been a child just arriving from school.

"Mom? What's this place? Am I dead?" Sam asked weakly, as the warmth of her kiss invaded his body, and he wished he could stay with her forever just so he could feel that warmth.

"No Sammy, you're not dead, yet. But you will be soon if don't make your mind up. This place is the edge of your mind, as you would call it, the edge of your subconscious."

Sam couldn't stop looking into her warm, loving, blue eyes. He made his choice, he wanted to stay with her, he wouldn't abandon her again.

"You have an amazing mind, Sammy. It allowed you to live even when you were so close to death, and not just to live but to be happy. But now you don't seem to be fond of that choice, so you must choose again. I pray for you, my son, whatever you choose, I hope you'll find happiness."

"No, Mom! I won't leave you again, I want to stay here, with you, forever." He said, taking his mother's hands in his own.

"No, Sammy. You'll find nothing here. There's no life here, that's not what I want for you."

"You are here, and that's enough for me."

"No, you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving me. I want the best for you, Sammy, I always did. You are my little boy, and I'll be always by your side. Everything I had I gave to you, everything that was good in me, is inside you now, and I'm so proud of you. You were the greatest gift in my life, something I'll always be grateful for. But this is about your life now, make the best of it, think about yourself now. Do it for me, Sammy, please!"

"I'm so confused now, I cannot choose, I don't even know what I should choose. I don't even know where I am. Am I still in a coma? What choice did I make? Did I jump?" Sam looked in her mother's eyes for answers.

"After you woke from the coma you came to me. For months I sat beside your bed and prayed for you to come back to me. And you did, and I was so happy about your fast recovery. But I knew that a part of you was lost somewhere and I could never reach it. When I heard about your suicide I was so angry. You never even told me about it. I couldn't see it coming, but I knew that you'd probably gone to a better place. I respected your choice, will you respect yours?"

"Then what is this now? About the future thing?"

"You can choose whatever life you want. But you cannot jump from one life to another, you must make up your mind."

"But if this all is happening inside my head, why can't I control it? Why couldn't I love Annie or why couldn't I make Gene love me the way I wanted?" Sam asked with tears in his eyes. It felt like he wasn't feeling anything real for a long time.

"Why do you want to control it? Controlling love, and manipulating the ones you love is like loving yourself in the dark. You'll get back nothing real. Don't control it, just feel it, even if it's hurting you. Life is short, so why shouldn't it hurt? Pain makes you feel alive, and makes you cherish the happy moments so much more. Are you prepared to face the consequences of your choice? Maybe you'll have some happy moments. Take it or leave it."

Sam stared at her for a long moment, then he let out the big breath he was holding.

"I love Gene, I know that. I love him, as I never loved anyone else in my life. Once I sacrificed my life for that love. Do you think I can go back to him? Can I find my happiness there again?"

"It only depends on you, Sam. You just have to accept the choice you made long ago, and you'll find your peace."

"You know what the saddest thing is? I became a copper to make a difference, yet I've chosen to live in my fantasy world, where my work means nothing, yet I'm enjoying it better than I did in the real world, though it bothers me sometimes that it's pointless. If I catch a killer, nothing will change."

"That didn't bother you before. What you believe to be true will be the truth for you. Time to go, Sammy. I'm so glad you came to me. I hope I could help you, and I hope you'll have a great life. Dream on, my boy!" She kissed both his cheeks cheerfully and she was gone.

"No, Mom! Come back! I need you, I still have so many questions!" Sam cried, but there weren't even walls to echo his voice, and only the silence answered him.

A strong wind came, whistling in the emptiness and Sam stood again amidst the ruins of his imaginary Birmingham, falling apart with every blow of that wind. He took a deep breath and smiled to himself. His only suitcase was still in his hand.

A bus came along and stopped before him. He could swear it was the same bus that brought him there. The driver opened the door and leaned out happily.

"What's up, Sam?" He asked.

"I've made my choice" Sam cried through the wind. "For better or for worse" And he smiled. "I want to go home! To Manchester, to Gene and Annie and my work."

"Get on! I'll take you home." Sam got on, and found himself a place to sit comfortably.

Yes, he was going home. If he could find happiness somewhere, then that would be that place. He had made the right choice when he jumped, how couldn't he see that two days ago? This was the right place and right time for him, no doubt. And he would do everything to deserve to be loved. And even if Gene could offer him just a few moments of love, or just a deep friendship he would take it. He would take everything he could get.

He felt so tired, he fell asleep on the bus, with the engines humming only for him, singing the lullaby of joy.

* * *

><p>The next time he woke up, the bus was empty again, and he was scared for a moment, that he was in the wrong place. But when he breathed the intoxicating aroma of his beloved city he knew he was at home once more.<p>

He was thinking about where to go first as he got off the bus. It was already late at night, and he wanted to speak to Gene first, ask him if he still had a workplace to go to. There were so many things he wanted to tell him. He would be at home probably, or he would wait for him, outside his door, or perhaps in his kitchen drinking the tea that his wife would make him.

When he arrived to Gene's house, he rang the doorbell once. The sight of Gene was heartbreaking.

He seemed to be very drunk, unshaved, dirty and miserable. He just stood there for a long moment, blinking, as if he couldn't recognize the bloke standing in front of him, then with the realisation, his eyes filled with horror.

"Sam?" He asked unbelievingly. "No, no, no, no! Haven't I suffered enough? Just leave me alone for God's sake!" He cried as he backed off, moving backwards, his hands reaching for something he could cling to. Then he tripped over the rug, fell to the floor and sank into unconsciousness, leaving a very confused Sam on his doorstep.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Falling Apart – Part Four

Author: Neyah444

Word count: 1,969

Rating: M (M/M explicit content!)

Pairing: Sam/Gene

Spoilers: 2.08 (It takes place in 1974, several months after the last episode)

Warning: Slash, and it's very mushy

Summary: There's no place like home.

Disclaimer: Life On Mars belongs to BBC

Notes: Okay, this was my fanfic ever, I wrote it back in 2008. Looking at it now, I realise that I could have done a much better job at it (make it less mushy and more steamy), despite being a non-native English speaker, but I refuse to rewrite it for sentimental reasons, and post it as is. I hope you enjoy. And yes, I do realise it's slightly OOC, but I don't think anyone can write a shash with this pairing without it being OOC. I mean, seriously

**FALLING APART: Part Four**

Sam decided to make himself a cup of coffee because he was sure that it would be an extremely long night and he knew that if 'Sleeping Beauty' wakes up, he would need one.

Gene was lying on the sofa totally knocked out, and Sam was wondering, why he was so terrified to see him.

Sam heard a painful groan from the direction of the living room and he ran inside. Gene sat up and relaxed on the sofa as he was massaging his head, but when he saw Sam, he became fully alarmed again.

"Oh, my God! It wasn't a bloody nightmare! What the hell do you want from me? Leave me alone!" He shouted.

"Oi, Gene! It's me, Sam! What's the matter with you?" Sam said in a calming voice.

"But you... can't be... I did... I saw you..." He muttered.

"Please, would you try to spit out at least one sentence that makes sense?"

"I saw it! I was there! I was there when they pulled your body out of the canal! You are dead! I made a speech at your funeral! Are you a bloody ghost, or what?"

Sam just blinked at him, confused.

"What? I'm not a ghost! I'm not dead! You can see I'm not dead."

"Yeah, but... how?" Gene looked at him distrustfully.

"Wait a minute! Funeral? You've arranged it very quickly! I've only resigned yesterday morning." Sam said in disbelief.

"Six months, Sam! Six fucking painful months!" Gene yelled with tears in his eyes. He really looked miserable.

"What?" Sam looked into Gene's eyes and he saw the unspeakable pain.

Gene still couldn't believe it was Sam standing in front of him. He thought it was just a cruel game of his imagination. He slowly lifted his hand.

"Can I?" He asked in a hoarse whisper. Sam understood what he meant. He wanted to touch him, to feel him, to know he was real.

"I am real, Gene!" He said, as he leaned close to him, and took his hands. A tear ran down on the man's cheek as he lifted himself from the sofa and took Sam in his arms. He held him so tight he nearly crushed him.

Thousands and thousands of questions were whirling in Sam's mind, he wanted to know everything, but instead of words he just stood there and enjoyed the moment he prayed for since the day he had chosen to come back to this world. To hug Gene, to be that close to him, to feel his warmth and to hear his every heartbeat.

"I missed you." Sam whispered in his ear.

He experienced so many inexplicable things since he first met him so Gene slowly started to accept that the man he was hugging was really Sam.

"Ok, don't get too soft, Dorothy!" Sam only smiled at that. That was the Gene Hunt he knew. The always proud and apparently tough DCI.

"Come on, I've made you a strong coffee. You look like you need it." He led him to the kitchen, poured a coffee for both of them, and made himself comfortable in the opposite chair.

"So, where the hell have you been?" Asked Gene again as he took a sip of his coffee. Sam wanted to say that he went so far away, he was in place no one else had been before, but he couldn't tell it to him, could he?

"I went away and I came back. Because of you. That's all you need to know." Gene nodded as he sensed the weight of those words.

"And will you stay this time?"

"I will, I promise. Forever!"

"Oh, I've heard this before" Gene said playfully, but Sam could see the very real distress behind that tone. He leaned forward.

"Forever!" He said, and he meant it. "I wanted to find my happiness, but that's over. I realized that I found that already." He looked at Gene meaningfully.

"Then you know the moral of the story now, Dorothy!" He smiled. "If you ever go looking for your heart's desire again, don't look any further than your own back yard. Because if it isn't there, you never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?"

"Yes, it is." Sam smiled. "There's no place like home. And if this is not home, then what is?" They both laughed at that and they didn't need words anymore.

They sat there for a good half an hour, just looking at each other, enjoying each other's company. Then Sam decided to ask him what he wanted to know.

"I have to know something." He asked carefully. "Will I have a workplace to go to on Monday?"

"Unfortunately, Sam, I've got a new DI. DI Reed." Gene said, as he placed his cup on the table. "But you're lucky, because he's going back to Birmingham next week. Family problems." He smiled. "It seems I will have to search for a new DI."

"Well, you don't really have to, you know. I'm kinda looking for a job, and would like to come back, if you don't mind, that is..."

"I don't mind at all, Sam. The team wasn't complete without you."

Gene smiled as he stood up, went to the sink and rinsed his cup.

"About Morgan..." Sam started in a low voice.

"No!" Gene turned around to face him. "Just forget about it." Morgan! That damned bastard! He almost lost Sam because of him. And when he mentioned it he almost lost him again. It's not worth it.

"It's in the past," He continued, "so just leave it there."

"But..."

"I mean it!" His voice left no place for arguments. He let out a big sigh. "I'm going to bed. I'll be upstairs. Make yourself at home." He smiled at Sam with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "It's good to have you back, Sam!"

And with this he turned to go. Sam watched him as he walked to the staircase and disappeared. He was buried deep in his thoughts. What could that possibly mean? Gene doesn't want to talk about Morgan, but he wanted to. He wanted to clear it up once and for all.

He couldn't imagine what Gene had been going through in these last six months. What an impossible situation! And where's Gene's wife? No trace of a woman in the house. Strange.

Then it finally struck him. What were those last sentences and that smile supposed to mean? Was that an open invitation? He was a good detective, he could easily read the signs. Damn, why was it so hard with Gene?

* * *

><p>Gene was standing in his bedroom pouring himself a last glass of whiskey before sleep. He made it clear to Sam that he wants him to come after him, didn't he? It was bloody obvious, it couldn't be misread. A lump went to his throat at the thought that Sam might not want to come. But he said he came back for him. This bastard was so hard to catch up with! One day this would drive him crazy!<p>

Then he heard footsteps approaching the bedroom. He rushed to the open door, and found Sam standing there, smiling bemused but with lust in his eyes. Gene gently pulled him into the room and closed the door.

Sam trying to hide his bafflement pointed to the bottle of whiskey.

"Am I invited to the party?"

Gene poured a glass to Sam, and another one for himself. They both needed that drink.

After he drank off his own, he stepped to Sam and gently took the glass out of his hands, put them on the bedside table and leaned closer to him. Their lips met, and Gene's started brushing and licking Sam's. Sam opened his mouth to deepen the kiss and as their tongues met he let out a soft moan. His breathing became shallow. The desire was growing in them like a beast, their blood started to boil, their heart raced a hundred miles per hour.

Their lips parted as they found themselves in each other's embrace, panting, their foreheads touching, the air in the room became sweltering, filled with the rising scent of lust and overwhelming need.

They became all hands, lips, skin and hearts. Every parts of their bodies flamed up, their senses heightened, every inch of skin became hypersensitive.

All the desire they repressed for so long broke loose. Gene unbuttoned each and every button of Sam's shirt revealing his magnificent, lithe body. He gently sucked his former DI's neck as he undid his belts and freed Sam of his extremely tight trousers. He eyed him up and down, breathing in the sight of his gorgeous, naked body. He definitely enjoyed the spectacle.

As he leant close, eagerly to touch Sam everywhere he could, Sam was trying clumsily to unbutton his lover's shirt with his shaking hands. Gene took his pinkish-brown nipple between his lips tasting it, playing with it, while he started lubricating Sam's hard-on with the pre-cum that was already leaking out of it, teasing it tenderly. Sam's hands dropped, he pressed his hips to Gene's, his head fell back and he let out an almost painfully yearning moan, his face convulsed in pleasure.

"Ah, Gene! Yes!" He whispered under his breath.

Then Sam looked at Gene, his eyes half closed, clouded by lust. That look almost pushed him over the edge, so he started to get rid of his own clothes.

Their naked bodies clashed as they landed on the big double bed.

Sam climbed on top of him, his hands started to explore the other man's body, finding and caressing all the erogenous zones both with hands and tongue. Gene let out a soft moan awoken by pleasure and need as he started to mimic Sam's every movement.

Sam's lips found Gene's once again. He breathed in the scent of his lover's pleasure knowing it was he who caused it.

Sam was thinking about the lubrication for the big act, but he decided that would have been too big a step for both of them. It could wait. He was happy with what he could get.

Gene put his hands on the back of Sam's neck pulling him down into a kiss, while his other hand was trapped between their bodies. The kiss was deep and messy, and it seemed to last for hours.

Rubbing their hard members together, Sam bent down kissing, licking, sucking his Guv's neck, gently enough not to cause pain, but roughly enough to leave his mark. Gene moaned as his tongue traveled down to his nipples, hitting all the sensitive spots. Then he switched to his earlobes, teasing him with his hot, staccato breath.

"Oh, my God! Fuck, Sam! What are you doing to me? Jesus!" Gene cried out passionately.

Sam looked into his wide eyes, and saw that he's going to cum, so he speeded up.

Their bodies rocked to rhythm of their hearts towards heavenly heights until they both cried out of ecstasy as they exploded in perfect unison, with the other's name on their lips. Sam fell on top of Gene in complete bliss, deafened by their own cries, their bodies exhausted by the mind-numbing pleasure.

Then everything went silent, the air evaporated down by the combined scents of sweat, joy and gratification.

Sam lay on top of Gene, stroking the hair on his chest, then looked deeply into his eyes.

"I love you!" Sam said honestly. His whole heart was in these three words. Gene smiled as he pulled Sam closer and hugged him.

"I thought I lost you." He whispered.

Both relieved and exhausted, they fell asleep.

The sunlight slowly crawled in the window cooling down their heated skin. It was the messenger of a new day. Without secrets and doubts.

_The End_


End file.
